It Feels Like Summer, It Feels Like Forever
by JannP
Summary: "I'd like to believe it all works out, a July fourth parade wrapped in beach towels under a fireworks display." Sometimes it does. Sometimes you're just the bad guy. Finn-central past-through-future Finchel. AU oneshot inspired by Matt Nathanson's 'Earthquake Weather'.


**A/N: **Hey. Not dead yet. So **Matt Nathanson** released a new single, **Earthquake Weather**, which means I wrote a new story. Well that and I have really limited internet access at work and I've been working, like, a lot. Anyway. I hope you guys remember me (maybe) and like it (definitely). Either way, please let me know.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these people (I'm not being philosophical either; this is fiction) or this song. I do own these words in this order, though. And honestly... that's about all I own right now.

* * *

**It Feels Like Summer, Feels Like Forever**

Finn used to love summertime. Well, basically, there wasn't a time of the year he didn't like but he loved, like, watching fireworks and hanging out at the public tide thing and the sunshine. The heat kind of sucks, but there's playing in water to cool off. Then, of course, there were girls in the summertime. He spent one summer with Quinn and two with Rachel and they were all really, really awesome. Celebrating the fourth of July, there was always watermelon and stuff like that around. Football camp didn't hurt (well… it didn't hurt his _mood_. He should probably be more clear on that.)

Then Santana happens. And not that Santana is a bad thing unless she actually wants to be but he's finally through all the garbage that happened to him, too, and unfortunately she's part of that in a small way. He made some kind of crazy choices in the after-bad that really just… he learned from them. That's what Puck said, that's what his mom says… that's even what Rachel says. He has to work a lot that summer because he and Puck have to do their best to pay for the tires they slashed and when he gets a certain look on his face, Rachel asks him what he's learning. He learns it sucks that other people are just allowed to be assholes all the time and they get away with it. She tilts her head and presses her lips together when he says that, so he doesn't say it much.

But no, seriously. That's kind of what he learned. When other people are assholes (like Jesse St. James), it's okay because it was, like, sanctioned by that teacher from Carmel. When he's an asshole, he has to work and pay back and say he's sorry and promise he won't do it again.

Well he won't but that goes for a lot of things. He kind of wonders if not exactly telling Rachel about everything from the after is another thing that's gonna come with a bunch of consequences. He goes back and forth, back and forth about whether to tell her. But really, in the end, he decides it wouldn't do any good. She's busy falling in love with him (well… she probably fell judging by how early in the summer she says the words back) and thinking he's awesome and they've already dealt with a lot and it just seems like it'd put other stuff on her that's not her responsibility. She'd be disappointed and sad and it's kind of not her business anyway since she fucked St. James. He kind of hopes she learned she doesn't wanna be with other people, either. No, he'll just deal with it on his own and not sleep with someone unless he knows he's in love with them. For real. He's not gonna sleep with her and then egg her in a parking lot.

He's not _that_ big of a dick. He's not the guy that's gonna hurt her if he can help it... so he stays quiet.

(Stupid. He finds out later.)

* * *

This year though… this year is different. He'll be reporting to the Army next week, just after the fourth of July and even though… yeah. Okay this year isn't different. _He_ is. The sun is still as bright as it ever was, there are still fireworks and parties and barbecues and everything. He's just not seeing them. He's not going to them. He's not as caught up in all of it as he used to get.

He still kind of has rocks in his stomach and a salty taste in the back of his throat. Kurt's stopped trying to talk to him about it and the last two times Kurt brought in warm milk for them, the visits were largely silent. Well, except the parts Kurt filled with an endless stream of uncomfortable chatter about scarves and if they go with tanktops and if it's too hot to wear them. (Yes. It is. Who cares if they "go"? Kurt cares. Finn doesn't really have an opinion and he doesn't wear tanktops anyway.) His mom sends him all these concerned looks that say a lot more than she actually let leaves their mouth and just… he…

He feels like an asshole, basically all the time.

Because yeah, the noble and maybe courageous words anyone can attach to the fact that he dumped Rachel and pushed her onto a train are things like selfless, adult, mature, loving. The real words floating in his head were a little more along the lines of heavy, dead weight, and can't drag her down. He walked around for basically an entire week feeling heavy and like things were crashing down on him but were crushing him when they landed. It was hard to breathe, hard to sleep, hard to think without choking. The weight of it all was how he knew he wasn't ready to get married, wasn't ready to move to New York with her, wasn't ready to be adrift. He kind of wants to sink, wants to fade, wants to disappear. The Army gives him camouflage to do it with. He doesn't have to be special or be part of something special or anything like that. They aren't gonna make him be a leader, he won't have to prop anyone else up… it's all a team. He's the kind of guy who needs a team, and a team is more than two people, and he just… he couldn't pull the weight. At least not right now because that was, like, one arm. The other one is trying to hold all the baggage his dad left and he can't really handle both right now. He knows he needs to figure it out and he will but…

Then there are dreams. He remembers her crying too hard to kiss him. Her dad brought back her ring and that wasn't the easiest conversation ever and he remembers that too. He remembers, sort of, trying to find the balance between the buzzing in his ears and the way it hurt and went cold and felt numb all at once.

Honestly, most of the time, he wants that feeling back. He hates this summer and this life and basically everything all the time and he feels like his whole life has fallen apart and he knows people care but he doesn't know what to tell them and he doesn't know what to tell himself and he just… he tries to hate the weather the most because it's the only thing he can blame, unless he wants to blame himself but he just… that's too heavy. Blaming the weather and summer is tons better.

* * *

They've had shakeups. They've had breakups and makeups and all kinds of stuff in between… until now. He's rattled, knocked down, and he really… she kissed someone else. Whatever he thought this time was for and about… for some reason that never occurred to him. He thinks maybe it should have. Maybe it could have changed things, would have made a difference.

Instead, he sort of feels like the ground fell out from underneath him and he needs to climb up without her and he doesn't know how but, like, what other choice does he have? He said goodbye, he left her, he ignored her, he came back and… what did he honestly expect?

Nothing. He should've expected nothing. Well… now he kind of does.

* * *

College is really different. Like seriously, even though he's in the same town as always, the same place as always… it's different. He talks to her and feels like she's far away. She's doing all these really serious things and when he talks to her, he realizes he doesn't want to be doing them. He can breathe. And walk. He's not shaky, the world is… as stable as it is crazy at the same time. He's going with the flow and he likes it. His stepdad's okay, no one looks at him like the Army flunk-out or the guy who peaked a couple years ago. No one looks at him like he's trying to steal their solo or like they just got his scholarship. It's kind of nice. He can breathe with this space.

He kind of doesn't want anything to be serious or heavy or anything in his life again. At least, not right now.

And okay… the thing is… he knows Rachel used to make him better. He's spent so long feeling like he wasn't quite good enough because sometimes, in the name of however you wanna label it, he's had to be the asshole. It takes skill to deal with her (and sometimes Kurt.) It took skill to be in glee club with the divas and get them to do what he needed them to do because somehow he ended up being one of the leaders. He still doesn't know how because half the time, he hated it and he hated who it made him. He was special, he stood out, he was sure it was all supposed to be the way it was. It was all working out because it just happened that way.

He'd kind of like to believe that's the case, but he's not really as trusting or as optimistic about it as he used to be. Sure, he thinks things fall together and choices lead to things that happen but… sometimes he's still the asshole. Sometimes he's gotta be that guy who says things aren't going to way he wants them to. Sometimes he's gotta test the waters, get lost, screw up… actually, he's that guy a _lot_.

But when he's at school, no one else really knows that and it's easier to shrug it off and breathe and act like he's young. Probably the last part of his last life that he lets go of is the fact that he knows who he wants to marry. He does, it's just…well, it's really hard to find a reason that doesn't sound creepy when there's a girl at a party. She's really pretty (hot, actually) and she wants her tongue in his mouth and his hands on her chest and honestly he doesn't have a lot of reasons to say no. So… he sort of doesn't. He used to want sex to mean something but now he kind of thinks it can mean he's young and he's hot and he's not married and he should enjoy it.

So he does. More than once.

* * *

Finn likes the summertime, really. He does. There are barbecues, picnics, swimming… there's no football camp but that's okay. School is out (not totally, he's got a class 'cause he's gonna try to make up for lost time—or in his case, the time that he was lost) and that's never bad. Sure, he's sort of half of an adult and he has a job and stuff. But it's super part time. Sam's around, Blaine's around and graduated. Kurt makes it home a little for birthdays and stuff. Summer's good.

Then Rachel comes home.

It's not that her coming home is a bad thing at all. Even though she's got shorter clothes, and less of them, and she wears more makeup and it takes her fucking forever to actually meet him even though she set the time. Things have changed and that's not bad it's just…

… she lived with another guy and he shouldn't feel bad for sleeping with someone from school. (Okay. Maybe that was actually a couple someones.) Should he?

Maybe he should. The thing is, he found out someone was jerking her around and he ended up getting into a fistfight with the guy. Sure, there's a difference because Finn isn't trading sex with money and then still getting sex from her in a relationship that they swear isn't a relationship. Finn isn't honestly expecting anything from her at all because when he expects things or thinks he maybe got too demanding, he feels like an asshole. He really, really is sick of feeling like that's his role in life. He'd like to feel like he's one blow away from caving in, one dick move away from permanent asshole status and yeah. All that's still true, though.

So of course they go to fireworks. Fireworks are a little bit of a sensitive issue with Rachel, since the time he was all sick and gross and she asked what he saw when he kissed Quinn. Well that isn't why it's sensitive—that would be because she asked if he saw fireworks when he kissed her and no. It wasn't loud or temporary or… he's always said she would shine brightly with or without him. Well… now he's not so sure if it's her shining so much or if it's her being more like the sun. She makes him light and warm and kissing her made him feel warm, then. This particular warm is uncomfortable, though, because she sits closer than when they were just friends and fuck, he's never really done anything strictly friendly with her. He's always loved her and there's always been more behind things—good and bad. The good was better but the bad was worse.

This time, he gets smacked because instead of kissing her, he admits he's sleeping with Hayley on the semi-regular. He's not sure why that means she can smack him, but apparently it does. Sleeping with someone else, living with someone else – it's okay for her.

If he even dabbles in it, he's the asshole. Again.

* * *

He moves there eventually. He does. His parents sell their house and move overseas because Burt is an ambassador to the Netherlands or something. It's definitely a pretty cushy gig for them but he's finishing his degree by then and his parents are leaving and all the roots he's had in Lima are gone so he finally, finally goes. It takes him some time to sort of get established. By 'get established' he has to do a bunch of practical crap to get certified to teach in New York and then he has to start working as a sub and an aide and he has to get a foot in the door. It takes awhile.

Kurt and Blaine live together and they have a bubble. Rachel, actually, lives with another dude. He doesn't hate this one like he hated the one who treated her like crap, though. In some ways, it's harder to swallow because there's nothing he can do with the way he feels frustrated that nothing just falls into place for him easily, ever. It's like when you go to the beach or whatever. It's supposed to be fun and most people can manage it with no difficulty whatsoever—he just gets sunburned and ends up miserable. He does this thing now, partly because he's super busy, but partly because he's biding time and just waiting for the next shakeup. Anyway the thing he does is he keeps people at arm's length. He's not bad at relationships, really, he just has a lot of them and doesn't let them get very serious. She's off living with, like, the brother of one of her former teachers for NYADA while the woman is working in Europe and she keeps saying that Nathaniel July makes her happy because he's sweet and he's stable and he sits in the front row of her off-off-Broadway and her off-Broadway, and then eventually her Broadway debut. He's not friends with Nathaniel and he's not even particularly nice to the guy, like, ever (because…. well it goes back to when Blaine was eyeing his spot in Glee club. Only this… this is about his whole _life_. So it's easy to be even nastier) and it earns a lot of crap from Kurt and Blaine and Rachel. He's a lot of things, even as he's grown out of a lot of the really crappy things he used to do, but he's not particularly open to being friends with the people Rachel dates. He knows she makes catty comments about the girls he dates. It's not until one brutally hot summer when it seems like the air is thick with bad decisions that they fall together again—at the expense of the guy she's dating and the girl he's… whatever.

One of the worst things he's ever done that he'll never be sorry for is stealing a girl away from a dude he's supposed to be friends with, especially when the girl is Rachel and the guy is a smug idiot.

* * *

She wants to get married. He knows this. He just can't… do it. He doesn't want to put a ring on her finger and have them fall apart again. They're practically one of the most stable couples he knows, now, and they have a daughter with big brown eyes and a voice made out of magic. She's the best parts of both of them, even if she gets really sassy and sometimes she lashes out (so that means in some ways she has the worst parts of them too and sometimes he thinks that means she's going to make some really painful mistakes, he just doesn't think that can be stopped because she's stubborn), and he's surprised that he's become the asshole.

Dad is supposed to be the one with the girl wrapped around his finger. Dad is not supposed to be the one who enforces chores and bedtime and refuses to bargain about eating vegetables. Dad's supposed to cave when she looks at him with tears in those big brown eyes because he's told her no about something for the eighth time and he just… yeah, he's always been the asshole with Rachel. He's had to tell her when she's acting crazy, when she shouldn't get her way because she's being mean, and he's had to stand strong. He shouldn't be surprised that he's had to do that with Amelia, too, but… yeah. He's the asshole there, too.

It's only because he loves her, though. He knows what's best, he's the leader, and sometimes that means he has to be a little more abrupt than he wants to or a little more, um...responsible.

He can't even stand to think about how marrying would cause problems. They're together and have been for a long time, they have a four-year-old daughter, and things are good for the most part. They _are_ happy.

(It's hard to stay happy and not be a dick and punch the guy who openly flirts with Rachel at a fourth of July picnic barbecue thing the principal from his school puts together. Maybe having a ring on her finger wouldn't be a terrible idea. Even if that guy himself was married. Seriously. _Asshole_.)

* * *

Finn _thought_ he loved summertime. Well, basically, there wasn't a time of the year he didn't like but he loved, like, watching fireworks and hanging out at the public tide thing and the sunshine. The heat kind of sucks, but there's playing in water to cool off. There were ways to beat the heat, ways to cure the boredom, and really… freedom isn't just for the fourth of July. It's sort of a life concept and now he's knows that.

It's not until they're at Kurt and Blaine's house (like… in the Hamptons. Those guys are ridiculous and pretentious and yeah… there's, like, a fucking lighthouse on their property. A _lighthouse_) and there's a small – Rachel calls it a 'tasteful' handful of children because they only have two, Kurt and Blaine only have one, and Sam and his wife have, yeah, okay, _three_ – group of kids running around on the ridiculously huge lawn in their swimsuits that he thinks maybe they have this life thing under control. He likes it – loves it. Loves this.

The "community" does a fireworks show that is ridiculous. Honestly, last year was the first year his brother lived here and they all watched the display in shock. This year, though… his parents are there. Rachel's parents are there. Blaine's parents declined but his brother and his brother's… um… mistress are there.

And honestly, all the crap they've been through and the ways they screwed each other over, none of it matters for that half hour they're watching fireworks on Kurt and Blaine's roof. (It doesn't even matter if the kids are bitching about being cold until the parents collectively throw towels at them, halfway to shut them up and halfway to help with that. Finn and Rachel's son, Jack, is almost always cold so he's probably not kidding even though it's a thousand degrees, give or take.)

It might not last, probably won't. The kids will start bugging each other, one of the marriages will probably end up in court, jobs will be lost, people will always find a way to piss each other off by being jerks somehow. People aren't perfect. Life isn't perfect. But he's come to realize it has its moments—and this kind of stuff? Yeah, it's one of them.


End file.
